Shen Grapevine Question Of The Week: Condom Kid

“Do the nurses in high school east distribute condoms?”

GV: “No.”

Haha, I giggled. 95% sure the asker of this question is a male between the ages off 14-18. But there is definitely a chance this came from 10th grade girl looking to get stuffed for the first time. Actually the more I think about it, I’m 100% positive this is who’s asking the question. All she wants for Christmas is to get her box off and not get prego… is that too much to ask Shen!? Well just like the olde dick said to the condom…

Im goin in…

“I’m kinda glad you asked actually. Starting in 2012 the HSE nurses will be giving out rubbers to qualified students. How can a student qualify you might ask? Simple really. Just like any other activity at Shen, you’ll need a signed permission slip from your parents. Field trip… parent signature. Interim grade… parent signature. PG-13 movie… parent signature. Need a condom…  boom, parent signature! Just tradition more than actually making your parents aware of the fact your looking to get in bed with peers. Next, you’ll need to attach a photo of the “person” you plan on railing. If the nurses don’t find the pair a good match… no rubber will be issued. If no rubber is issued, the student can appeal to the board to have the decision reversed. If the decision is not reversed… the student can walk down the fucking street to a gas station and buy one with the fucking change they find on the fucking ground walking there!!! Actually it what I recommend in the first place. But anyways, this is part of Shen’s ongoing efforts to make student and school improvements that that don’t actually improve anything.”

 

(this does not actually reflect the Shen Gapevine’s views)

Shen Grapevine Question of the Week: Meat Mom

“My daughter came home very upset today. Because she was warned several times to finish her ‘ham’ that is included in the lunch meal at Skano. Many families do not eat pork for several reason, please have staff educated. Thanks.”

GV: “The aides have been notified not to pressure students into eating their food.”

First, I’m just going to assume a mom sent this in. Just feels like its written in a mom tone, but I could be wrong. Dad’s just aren’t what they used to be, so ya never know.

Second, I love how this lady says its “ham” not just like regular ham, but “ham.” Its like she thinks its not actually ham or something. I mean I’ve never gone to Skano, nor would I ever want to, but I would would be willing to bed 3/1 odds that when they say they are serving ham, it’s actually ham.

Third, “please have staff educated. thanks.” I honestly don’t think you could come up with a more bitchy line than that if your life depended on it.

Anyways heres the correct response to the lady’s question complaint…

Listen if your daughter doesn’t do meat she doesn’t do meat. It’s as simple as that. Johnny peanut butter knows he can’t eat peanut butter… so you know what he does, he sits in the corner with his non peanut butter eating friends. If your daughter doesn’t do meat, she can sit a the no meat table. Wether she will regret this in High School, thats something you’ll need to ask yourself. Walking around and hearing, “Jenny doesn’t like meat” is the risk she’s might have to take. It might take a while to find a boyfriend who… well… likes a girl who doesn’t like meat. Until then… “The aides have been notified not to pressure students into eating their food.”

PS- Over/Under 3 weeks before I become a full time Grapevine writer

(this does not actually reflect the Shen Gapevine’s views)