Continuing with our holiday theme, here’s what each NFC team is hoping Christmas brings them.
Seattle Seahawks: A quarterback. How Tavaris Jackson is a starting NFL QB escapes me. Seahawks management must’ve just gotten drunk and forgot to sign anyone competent at that position.”Oh wait Marshawn’s beast mode can’t play QB?” “Oh fuck. Well I guess Tavaris can play?” Idiots.
Arizona Cardinals: Kurt Warner to un-retire. Kevin Kolb’s decent i guess but he’s been hurt all year so their stuck with some dude named John Skelton. Seriously where do NFL teams find these people? the AFL?
St. Louis Rams: The Rams just want the season to be over so they can try to move on from how much they suck. Steven Jackson wants a trade to a real NFL team. Or at least someone to put himself out of his misery.
San Fransisco 49ers: Alex Smith to step up. The 49ers are having a great season, even with Smith playing like Ryan fucking Leaf. Time for him to live up to that number 1 overall pick. Or at least warrant a 3rd rounder.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Players who actually care about the outcome of the game. Josh Freeman is literally the only one trying. He’s probably ready to scream at everyone of his teammates. Not Legarrette Blount tho…he’ll fuck you up.
Atlanta Falcons: Early retirement for Drew Brees.. Matt Ryan’s a good QB but he’s no Brees. The Falcons don’t have a shot until Brees is gone from the Saints.
New Orleans Saints: A secondary. Brees has Sanduskerizing defenses all year. Which he’s had to do because the Saints secondary has literally done nothing this season. Fuck it tho, why try when you have Brees to just bail you out.
Carolina Panthers: Jon Beason. Dude goes down in the first game of the season. Anchor to their defense. Cam Newton may have improved the team a lot, but the Panthers still suck too much to overcome this.
Green Bay Packers: A re-do on the Chiefs game. The Chiefs. Are you fucking kidding me? I didn’t even know they were still playing games this year. I thought they just forfeited the rest of their games. Way to blow your perfect season.
Detroit Lions: Ndamukong Suh to chill. Stop being the dirtiest player on the face of the planet and stomping on people. Who are you trying to be Albert Haynesworth? Go back to just plain murdering quarterbacks like you’re supposed to.
Chicago Bears: Jay Cutler back. Their season pretty much went to shit after he decided he needed to get thumb surgery. The Bears weren’t ready to overcome all these injuries. Also it doesn’t help that Johnny Knox just died.
Minnesota Vikings: A refund on Donovan McNabb. Great job finding a quarterback to tutor Christian Ponder and give him time to learn the NFL game. Really fucking wonderful. Donovan please just retire so people don’t remember you like this. There’s a reason you aren’t on the Eagles anymore.
Washington Redskins: New team name. This is literally the most racist name in all of sports. Seriously. No attempt to hide it. Karma won’t let you win bitches.
Philadelphia Eagles: A bubble for Michael Vick. This man gets pounded more times per 60 minutes than Bibi Jones. Stop getting hurt, maybe you can make the playoffs. Slide Michael. Fucking slide.
New York Giants: A new coach. This is the most inconsistent team in the NFL right now. Huge win over Dallas followed up with a terrible performance against the Redskins. Even Randy Moss put in more effort than that. Giants fans still love Tiki tho.
Dallas Cowboys: For Tony Romo to lose the “gunslinger” attitude. Really I think he throws interceptions on purpose sometimes. You’re not in high school anymore Tony. You should have figured out that you can force throws into quadruple coverage. Shit you’re going to give Jerry Jones a fucking heart attack.