Christmas. The best holiday by far. Nothing beats presents and vacation combined. In honor of the holiday spirit, I’ve put together a wish list for each NFL team.
Buffalo Bills: The Bills want a fucking re-do. What the fuck happened guys? You haven’t won since Nam. If only they could travel back to week 9 and try again from there. Fucking losers.
Miami Dolphins: The Reggie Bush from USC. Yeah the one who was deserving of a first round pick. Fast-as-shit running back who ran thru defenses like they were all Notre Dame. Run Reggie. Run like you just stole the Heisman Trophy. (Still too soon?)
New York Jets: An offense. Like one that can move the ball, get first downs and score and all that shit. Revis can only return so many interceptions.
New England Patriots: A defense. Brady and company are dominating so much that people forget that the Pats secondary is easier to penetrate than Paris Hilton.
Cincinnati Bengals: An acting coach. Specifically one for Jerome Simpson.
Pittsburgh Steelers: A second Ray Lewis murder charge. The only team thats given the Steelers trouble this season is the Ravens. With Lewis and Suggs continuously beating the shit out of the Steelers offense, maybe its time for an ‘anonymous’ tip on some new information? Just an idea.
Clevelend Browns: Who fucking knows. They suck. They’ve always sucked. I don’t think there’s anything that can save this franchise. Hows about we move them to LA and start over. At least there people will care about them. Fuck.
Baltimore Ravens: Hoverounds. Their aging defense needs a new burst of speed. Specifically the often injured Ray Lewis needs a more effective way of patrolling side line to side line. Maybe Old Man Ed Reed has an extra one in his crib.
Indianapolis Colts: Peyton. Fucking. Manning. Jesus who knew they were this terrible without him. Have fun with that QB controversy next season.
Tennessee Titans: A clutch player. CJ0k got his money so I guess he only runs good when he feels like it. Fucker. Matt Hasselbeck’s starting to look more like Tim Hasselbeck. Jake Locker is gonna have to put the team on his back next year. Jennings style.
Houston Texans: Fans. Someone to give a fuck. Its gotta be hard to come out and play every week if no one gives a shit.
Jacksonville Jaguars: A professional quarterback. Yeah I know Blaine Gabbert is young but holy shit. He’s got MJD to occupy defenses. Andy Dalton’s young too and his running back went to jail during the season for fucks sake. You don’t see him complaining.
Denver Broncos: For Tim Tebow to pretend its the 4th quarter every quarter. You can’t pray for a comeback/divine intervention every week. Its football, Tim. Not church group. Stop being so nice.
Oakland Raiders: Someone to magically heal Darren McFadden and protect him from injury. They were having such a good season and playing so un-Raider-like until he got hurt. Run-DMC’s looking more like Soulja Boy this second half of the season.
Kansas City Chiefs: A training staff. Jamaal Charles, Eric Berry, Tony Moeaki all go down with ACL injuries. Then Matt Cassel can’t take it anymore so he breaks his own hand. Talk about some bad luck.
San Diego Chargers: A mulligan for weeks 7-12. Not many teams can lose 6 in a row and still be in playoff contention come mid-December. But that’s the AFC West for you. What a shit show.
We’ll do the NFC tomorrow.